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In The Ass, Bob

Date Added: Feb. 5, 2006
Last Updated: Feb. 5, 2006

Television and radio entertainers are always pushing the envelope for a laugh. But every once in a while, it is the guest, the everyman lucky enough to get his (or her) 15 minutes of fame, who gets the punchline. Did this example of radio hosts being caught off guard by the caller's unexpectedly honest and somewhat misguided answer really happen? Not exactly.

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

Whenever I see a chain that purports to be an actual on-air exchange (either TV or radio), my first question is: "where did this incredibly detailed transcript come from?" There are three possibilities in this case:

It is a transcript created by the producers of the program.
Some listener of the program created the transcript, either from memory or from a recording of the original broadcast.
The entire transcript is a fiction, crafted from whole cloth with no basis in reality.

We can safely rule out that this is an official transcript. Only a few nationally syndicated radio talk shows typically offer transcripts of their programs, as transcribing requires staff time and resources that most 'zany' radio morning shows don't typically have. Any such "official" transcript certain would refer specifically to the on-air personalities by name and not just identify the question-asker as "DJ."

Actually, the reality of this one lies somewhere between explanation two and three above. There is a WBAM in Montgomery, AL. This supposed radio transcript first showed up in 1998 and has been attributed to a variety of radio stations (both real and fictional) all over the world. However, none of them are the source.

The legend of the "in the ass" answer originated in the 1970s, and revolves around "The Newlywed Game," an American game show in which four pairs of newlyweds went head-to-head trying to match their spouses' answers to sometimes outrageous questions to win cash and prizes. Many viewers recalled an episode in the 1970s in which one female contestant gave a salacious and unexpected response to the question posed by show host Bob Eubanks: "where, specifically, is the weeeeeiirdest place that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge the make whoopee?"

For years, Eubanks denied that any such exchange ever took place on the program. But in a 2002 TV special titled "TVs Most Outrageous Game Show Moments," Eubanks admitted that the infamous episode long recounted in legendry was, indeed, real. And viewers were given the opportunity to see the clip for the very first time.

Most likely, the text above was someone's creative attempt to give a "true" setting for a vague memory. Break this chain.

References: Snopes.com